Starting to get scraed easily...
I kept imagining how lonely I would be...
My best fren is going Russia...
My boyfren will be going else where too...
Everyone I think it's precious to me will leave me here...

Yea... I know... they'll come back...
But... Feelings change... And I'm terribly scared of that changes...

I never tell anyone about this...
I might look independent...
Wants to be a lone all the time... But... Truthfully... It hurts a lot when I'm lonely...
It feels damn right awful...
Haiz.. I hate myself for being so weak...

Why God like to test me in all such ways...
Didn't he know that I'm actually at my limit?

Haiz... All these feelings... I wasn able to tell anyone...
I'm afraid of what their reply would be...
Like... Stay strong, be strong, and it ain a big deal...
Well... I couldn handle response like that... Coz... I can imagine the days of me spending time alone when I hear such response...

I'm really grateful to them... Both my bf...
They open up my world..
There are good times n of course there are bad times in between..
But I can assure you those sweet memories are priceless...
I really feel... Reluctant... To see them off to somewhere where there are not by my side...
I'm scared... Really scared...
I kept crying thinking how scared I am...
I know I'm an idiot... But I wish someone could comfort me with the right words instead of the truths...

That's why I hated the idea of being loved by...
Coz I'll turn out to be spoilt & pampered...
Well... What do you expect from a child that didn't has enough love since chilhood?? Lol...
Yea... That's how it felt... I get addicted with those feelings... So much that it is hard to let go...

Haiz...
I'll... Get over it... I guess...
Perhaps... I will stop crying too...
That one day seems so far though...

There might not be another next time...
I really wanna go... But... I can't just be selfish now can't I?
Haiz...

Sad... Disappointed... & despair....
Devastated... & emo...
Fell like banging my head 2 te wall again n again...
I don't feel like doing anythg right now...

I just kept thinking of solutions but it might just bring him more troubles..
Well.. Yea... Really disappointed... Coz I've prepared lots of thgs...

Why doesn anythg goes well in my life?
Sometimes I feel like it's a small wish... But it just seems so impossible...

Dear God...
Why don't at least tis work out?? Is it so much to ask...?