How to forget when you really hold that person dearly?
How do you let go when you're about to let go the best thing that have ever happened in your life?

I don't know what I love about him
but I just do...
I don't know why it's so difficult to let go of him
but I just do...

I hate these feelings...
I hate being lonely...
I hate these struggling...
I hate waking up crying...
I hate having these tears wetting my face...
I hate to be so far away from him...
I hate the fact his feelings for me is fading away...
I hate all these...

Haiz...
What can I do?

After so freaking long...
I still feel hurt... Pain... In my heart...
When would it stop?
How can it stop?

Exactly 3 days I have not been contacting him
Nor do I browse his fb...
I am tempted... Really really tempted...
But... I just want to get over this...
Because I know if I fail now... There's nothing good will come...

Every time I smsed him or I browse over his profile, I end up feeling sad...
I don't really wanna go through tat again...
So I really think it would be better by giving us a time...

I still think of him...
Every moment of my life... No matter how busy I am...
I miss him so much... But... Nothing I can do now till I go home...
I hope I have made a right decision..
I know many will think I am being stupid for putting a fight for this...
But... I just don't wanna regret...
I just don't want it to end like that...
I can't really explain why am I feeling like this... Or what is it that I am feeling but I just hope it isn't in vain...

The most painful moment is when u realised that he is not gonna come back...
And... U need to force urself to forget about him and just let go...

It is never easy...
But I keep telling myself tat though it's not, it is not impossible as well...

I woke up... Just to find myself wetting my pillows with my tears..

I kept telling myself...
I kept telling my heart that there Will be a better guy out there...
A guy that truly loves me...
Just hold on... Please...
Forget about this guy... He is not worthy... He really isn't...

Yes.. It's painful...
It's crazy...
I'm losing my sanity...
And... I just want all this to stop...

Haiz... You have no idea...
How I kept dreaming bout me going back and say "I'm finally back!" and hug him as tight as possible...
God... Whenever I thought about this, my heart, i can feel it's crying...

Why couldn't him... Withstand? Hold on a little bit longer?
Why should him give up on me when he hasn't try his best?

Haiz... Distance isn't a big issue but it is a major issue for almost every couple in the world...
And we fail this test...

I asked him to meet me next yr...
Give me 3 days...
But... Seriously... I know it wouldn't end well...
I just want my heart to wake up this time... To stop hoping...
To stop clinging onto something which has no more feelings on you...

God... Please give me strength...
Please help me in every way that's possible...
Haiz... If You think it's impossible, could you tell my little heart that?
If it's possible, would you  mind knock Tuna in his sense back?
Amen

I dn noe hw to cope with this...
I'm feelin insecure too...
But why r u treating me like this?
It's not easy for me to be strong...

So why are u keep pushing me to side?
I know that no matter I cry in my blog, u can't hear me...
U dn even know this link anymore...

I dn noe how to reach u...
I dn noe how to touch ur heart...
I dn noe wat I can do...
I dn noe what I should have done...

I can't sleep...
I don't dare to sleep...
If I'm asleep, I don't dare to wake up...

Would it really be better if I were to disappear from ur life?
Would u then realised hw important I am in ur life?
Or... Would I just become a small fragment of ur memory...

My mind... My heart... Become really unsettle with all these confusing & yet frustrating emotions...

God...
Is this a test?
Haiz...

I dn noe hw much longer I can hold on...
I dn think I wan to continue to be like this...
My heart is aching...
My lungs are gasping for air...
I feel like I am suffocating...

I should have post something more cheerful or something more exciting...
Unfortunately, I'm gonna postponed such posting...

Relationship... especially long distanced relationship...
It's really difficult to maintain....
Envy to see some of frens here who don't haf such difficulty... Lolz but though sometimes I see them fight...
Well... At least they haf conversation and yet meanwhile I... On d other hand... Haiz...

I tend to ask myself...
"Am I thinking too much again?"

I hate this... Because it feels like I cannot do anything about it...

I feel restless... I feel useless... I feel frustrated...
I don't know what is the better choice when it comes to this...
I can't think properly every time I'm facing such stupid problem....

I'm seriously hating my life right now

I can't go to te concert

And ppl around me keep saying thgs like "you should have this.." "you should have done that.."

Well... FYI, if I know I would have... Duh... >_>
And please put urself into my shoe b4 yapping thgs like tat
Gosh...

At the same time, I feel like I'm so bloody useless...
I can't do anythg
I can't go anywhere

Great... Just end te awesome "conversation"... Even though it wasn't supposed to be an argument...

Sarawak...
Why Sarawak?
God, what plan u have for me at there? T_T

Emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo
endless emoing

Dear God,
I think only you can understand... How it truly hurts right now...
Sometimes I am confused with wat I've said...
With wat I've done...
Getting such feedbacks... Wasn't pleasant at all...

Dear God,
At times like this, I wish you are here to hold me... Or
at least take away these pain...

Dear God,
I'm really sorry...
You give me a heart and a brain...
But I ain't using both...
So I can't blame anyone that I'm feeling stupid right now...
I can't blame anyone the way they treat me right now...
It is my fault to begin with..

I wish I could do lesser mistakes in my life...
Or so learnt my lessons...

In a way, it is the same and not the same.
Well I'm talking about tis

Then she headbutt him real hard. XD

In manga, normally, the girl will wait and prepare herself so that she can be suitable with the guy in the future.
Like in this case, Usui is rich and she needs to be strong in adapting the high society environment. >.>
Be a person that no one dares to look at. To me... It's not easy.

Anyway..
"same" as in... He's going away as well...
Yea he will come back but nothing can guarantee ones heart won't change.
This is not a fairy tale to begin with.
To me, personally I think those gurls are stupid to think happily-ever-after actually exist in reality.
Why?
Because whenever I turn around, it is always that black spot I'm looking at, no matter how bright other colours are.
I kept having the feeling, if I really start to believe in h-e-a, my life will be ruin and the same tragic will repeat itself.

Let's talk about the next coming months, about admission into a university.
I could choose QS course. I don't think it will be a problem to me.
Because I could never hate subjects other than Economy or Finance or Business. @.@
Currently, I don't really have that certain dream that's holding me into one path.
Psychology was just a supplementary course for me to fix my social interaction and my rotten personality.
So yea... I could but...
The "what if" sentence keep ringing itself.
Haiz... What if... I finished my course and decided to leave M'sia and go to Brunei with him?
I mean yea, that will be superb. But... What if... He don't love me anymore?
That just mean I've choosen to waste my 3 years time. Not to mention the effort I'll go through.
Haiz...
It's not that I don't believe in him.
It's reality that I find difficult to trust.

I mean look at us right now.
Emoness is straining our relationship.
I don't think things will be better with the "distance" between us. :'(

Last time, I needed a guy that teaches me hapiness. And he did it.
Now I just need a guy to teach me not to worry.

Friend?
Don't make me laugh.
If you are not gonna help, then don't just act all and mighty by giving me hope or any advices. That is what I call hypocrite.
If you wanna reject, then reject properly. Don't bs in front of me.

I sincerely asking for help, what do you take my sincerity for?
A tool of your amusement?
Please... If you don't wanna help, just said so. Don't have to spout nonsense like you are special. Or you don't like it that way.
I'm sorry my dear 'friend'.
I don't need such lovely words. Keep it for yourself.
What I need now is a lending hand.
Not your bs.

A lunch?
Is it that hard?
I'm not asking money from u now, aren't I?
Did I ever ask you to do business with me or with my boss?
Seriously?

I'm just so frustarted right now.
I wanna yell but yea, should have predicted that.
Should not be too sad.
But yes, really disappointed. :)

Lately
It seems that I am easily frustrated by small things
I mean... That small thing is really a petty matter but it'll stick to my heart like a thorn. Unpluckable, it just stay there. Making me suffered. Agony of it. Omg @@

Why???
Is it due to my family condition?
Is it really just my prob, managing my emotions?

It just feels like thgs do seems soooo wrong!


And right after the moment I typed the above paragraph.
Things started to get better. Omg LOL... XD
Hope it will stay tat way
n hopefully I can learn 2 cope wit my feelings.

As above stated...
Haiz... No matter how I think of it...

Of course I want a future for both of us...
I want 60 years of us together...
But before I even think about the future....
I think no need think about the present we have...
Which... I'm not doing really ok right now...

Our chat has become... Somewhat boring...
Why?
I dn noe hw to answer that q...
I really can't say where the prob is... I mean I'm not sure whether or not I'm te one being highly-overexpected again... :(

How do long dist relationship work out for other ppl?
I mean mine isn that far (yet)
but I feel there's a large gap btwn us...

Not to think too much...
How could I ever deny my own nature? T^T

 

Add caption

Of course I too wish the same thing.
I wish I can just end my story with "happily ever after" ending...
But... Recently...
It is just scary to think about this...
Scary why?

Well I encountered a small minor & silly accident just yesterday morning...
Her boyfriend is there helping her & everything...
But rest assure, her boyfriend isn't the type that is unreasonable & everything...
So everything is settle...

Er... The point is... I was like... I got lost for a while...
I was clueless with what I should have done...
I got no one depends on... Even if I do, I was just making things worse... Because I troubled them in a way...

Not only that... I... was feeling really lonely...
So... This is me in the next few more years to come...
He won't be by my side...
I just have to stand strong... Alone...
Reality hurts... Love hurts... Truth hurts... Everything is just damn annoying...
Why does it needed to be that way... :(


Besides that...

My dad again need to go to hospital...
I... What can I do??
Who can I depend on?
Money... Lack of income...
Comfort... No one can give me the warmth or the care that I need now...
I'm scared... Afraid... Lost... Weak...
I just don't know how should I overcome this...


No matter how many tears I shed... Things will just stay the same...
But... Other than that... I just couldn't manage to do anything...
I'm pathetic...


God... Please continue to help me... Please...

It sucks to love a guy more than he loves u...
How do I know?
Well... This ain't te 1st time... And I'm thinking that I should make tis te last time...

I gt thgs to be done... I gt ambitions to be realised...
I know everyone is not perfect but... I want to move on...
I just found smthg recently... Smthg that might help me to change my life...
I really wanna concentrate on that... I wan to stop wasting my tears...

Yes... I admit I am afraid to lose him...
But I can see that... He care less...
If I were to stop everythg now...
Of course, & no doubt, he'll be sad... But that's all to it... Ntg more & ntg less...

God... My Father... & My Lord...
I need a guy in my life that really loves me & take care of me...
Is he not the one?
I might be doing smthg regretable... Please guide me... Would you?

Haiz...
I just want to be happy with the person I love...
I really want him to really really love me back...
But... No calls... Doesn't care... No plannings... No changes...
And now... Sitting in front of my laptop, crying... Haiz...

Reasons why I wanted 2 do that...
Well...
I had enough of loneliness...
Both my parents are healthy & are alive...
But... That are smthg I lack of... That is care & love of a warming family...

I wanted a relationship opposite of my current situation...
I just don't want to repeat te same cycle of loneliness...
No... Meeting isn't essential... But... Without it... I feel lonely...

Starting a new semester...
This aldy influence much of our conversation...
Less & lesser time to communicate & interaction...
So tell me will longer dist pull us apart or pulling us 2gether??

Fear & worries are convincing me to stop gambling with smthg that won't succeed...
Oh God... Again... Fear.... My biggest nemesis...
Okay.. I gotta admit... 1 year... Is not enough 2 prove anythg... & actually... It doesn't mean te longer it is, te more secure te bond will be... No... Certainly not... Relationship doesn work that way... Trust don't work that way...
I begin 2 realised... He do love me... I was touched deeply at tat point....
Wat I'm worried is... Will he continue to be serious with me?

Seriously... When person that is indifferent by nature, how do we know when he start 2 be serious?
guess my biggest problem isn't trust but my vision... Poor & lacking of observation.... Haiz...

If you can't do it?
Who else can do it??

I know it's my fault that I keep emoing but I truly hope that once in a while you can actually help me... By cheering me up....

What do you mean by don't know??
What do you mean by it's not working??

I don't even see you try harder...
I mean... All you can say is "it's not your fault"
How is that making me feel any better??

He really sucks at tis...
Every single time I emo, he do particularly do nothing much...

Okay... I'm really frustrated right now...
But I just can't help feeling disappointed...
I wish I can see some improvement in me or in him...
Haiz...

It's not gonna work...
I need a person that can control me...
Not to emo too much...
At least comfort me when I need it...
Haiz...
I just can't believe it...
I'm still with a guy which is so bad at expressing and comforting..........

Yea it isn't his...
Since it's in his nature...
But... Come on.....Put some efforts at least?????
Haiz..

Yes. Today is a great day, where I can hang out with my frens.
But I just can't fight off tat complexity feelings I have in 'here'.

I work really hard.
I work, n work again. So that no one can look down on me.
Yes I admit I got weak because I am tired for doing jobs that nobody care to look at or appreciate.
That's why I drop real bad.
However I know it is just an excuse.
Or should I say, this is my mistake for fighting for someone else dreams n hopes.
I should be more selfish on tis.
Maybe that way I won't end up so pathetically.
Sad. It's just sad.

The problem is I love my mum. I pity her life.
I hate those who detest her so I tried really really hard to climb up.
But... Once I've managed to climbed up on a higher level, all she actually care isn't me.
She still hates me or rather the blood that flows in me.
That day... I've changed... I lost my purpose to move on...
I feel meaningless even until now.

I just hate it.
I'm not asking in return but for God sake, I'm your daughter. I'm a human being with feelings n there is a limit where you can push.
I got my own life too. From now on, I want to live the life I've always wanted to dream.
She don't really care wat happens to me.
I fainted n wat te hell she ever do?
At least my dad panicked.

Aah.. My dad... He's another problem I couldn't put up with.
It is so complex. I just don't really know wat 2 do.
I mean I can't hate him.
He saved my life b4. Not just once... And it's more than that.
It's just... Due to some incident... I am really disappointed wit him.

Haiz...
Why can't I live a normal life?
Why couldn't I have a warm family like anyone else?
Why???
Why is my childhood so miserable?
Why couldn't she uds me just a little bit? At least be considerate... Stop treating me like some punching bag or some doll...

Starting to get scraed easily...
I kept imagining how lonely I would be...
My best fren is going Russia...
My boyfren will be going else where too...
Everyone I think it's precious to me will leave me here...

Yea... I know... they'll come back...
But... Feelings change... And I'm terribly scared of that changes...

I never tell anyone about this...
I might look independent...
Wants to be a lone all the time... But... Truthfully... It hurts a lot when I'm lonely...
It feels damn right awful...
Haiz.. I hate myself for being so weak...

Why God like to test me in all such ways...
Didn't he know that I'm actually at my limit?

Haiz... All these feelings... I wasn able to tell anyone...
I'm afraid of what their reply would be...
Like... Stay strong, be strong, and it ain a big deal...
Well... I couldn handle response like that... Coz... I can imagine the days of me spending time alone when I hear such response...

I'm really grateful to them... Both my bf...
They open up my world..
There are good times n of course there are bad times in between..
But I can assure you those sweet memories are priceless...
I really feel... Reluctant... To see them off to somewhere where there are not by my side...
I'm scared... Really scared...
I kept crying thinking how scared I am...
I know I'm an idiot... But I wish someone could comfort me with the right words instead of the truths...

That's why I hated the idea of being loved by...
Coz I'll turn out to be spoilt & pampered...
Well... What do you expect from a child that didn't has enough love since chilhood?? Lol...
Yea... That's how it felt... I get addicted with those feelings... So much that it is hard to let go...

Haiz...
I'll... Get over it... I guess...
Perhaps... I will stop crying too...
That one day seems so far though...

There might not be another next time...
I really wanna go... But... I can't just be selfish now can't I?
Haiz...

Sad... Disappointed... & despair....
Devastated... & emo...
Fell like banging my head 2 te wall again n again...
I don't feel like doing anythg right now...

I just kept thinking of solutions but it might just bring him more troubles..
Well.. Yea... Really disappointed... Coz I've prepared lots of thgs...

Why doesn anythg goes well in my life?
Sometimes I feel like it's a small wish... But it just seems so impossible...

Dear God...
Why don't at least tis work out?? Is it so much to ask...?

Every now and then...
I'll be really scared...
Truthfully... I dn even know whether or not he loves me...
Yea... I know... It's been 11 months... And yet... I still can't trust him...

Evry now and then... The fear haunts me...
That fear cling on me like an unbreakable metal chain...
Haiz...
The thought that he still has feelings for her... It's really... Troublesome...
I'm an idiot to begin with... I mean... Why the hell would I think of those thgs so suddenly??

Haiz... I despise myself...
For being a nut head...
Unable to think properly...
Unable to judge properly...
And most of all... I think too much... X_x

I kept thinking... "Aaaw, they're so lucky to have a guy like that to be by their side"
BUT... Why can't I think the same??
Why can't I appreciate what I have??
Haiz... Idiot...
It's just... I feel like... It's just the matter of time... That everythg ends...

Haiz... Why the hell would I feel so insecure for??? DX
Why can't I just bloody stop thinking about this thgs.......... T_T

Well.. Sorry for saying this but seriously...
I got real pissed off with stupid questions like tat...
Coz... I mean it IS real stupid...
Oh... So now u can get angry at me for asking silly question but I couldn??
I gt pissed because... I was like "can't u uds te bloody situation??"
Can't u uds me after all tis long??

I dn really like tat food since I didn ordered it... And it's kinda like a little good deed I did for finish te leftover... But yet you still gonna ask tat kind of question to me...
Yea yea... I'm rude... Got no moral edu or watsoever...
Anythg u said it's ALWAYS bloody right... Happy now??

I have to be the tolerant one...
I have to be the one to hold everythg up....
Erggggghhhh!!! I really fed up wit tis goody goody thgs I'm doing....

I can't stop being miserable... T^T
Besides that...
I have anger management problem... @@
Small matter is aldy enough to trigger my anger till I really wan to smash thgs around...

And my eng gone way WORSE... O_O

Er... The miserable part...
Hmm... Because... I'm easy to get jealous...
And I want to spend more time together...
But can't...
And at times I feels so lonely... And doesn feels like I'm in te relationship I was hoping it to be...
Haiz...
The thgs we've done so far... Just NOT bloody enough...
And keeping te love feelings strong and attached are simply not an easy thg to do...
Since I'm a get-bored-easily kind of person...
Talking isn fun as it was use to be...
Is it because I was emoing?
Is it because it's the effect frm trying too hard?
Is it because I'm too tired?
Actually at times... I just dn uds myself very much...

Emoness is smthg I need to change...
But it's quite hard... Since thgs around me keep making it difficult...
Family... Sometimes I wish I am frm a normal family....
And at work...
She wasn really that fond of me...
Well... I hate pleasing her as well... FYI... I'm not a robot who is good at following ur command...
Grrr... She's older than me... I have to AND I need to respect her... >_<

O yea...
I took 2 exams last thurs...
CEILI and PCE... Haiz... Guess wat? I failed...
RM175 hangus... Just like that... Haiz...
At least Jenn and Li Yann passed of it...
Haiz... How could I be tat stupid... Idiot...
Was really emo that day...
Got painful paper cuts as well... T_T

Again.. I feel like I've change...
I'm no longer feel that I'm te cheerful person when my frens aren around me...
Slowly... I'm reverting back to te past me...
I tend to become weak though I need look strong at the outside...
I know at times like this... I should endure it all I can... But... For how long?
I'm 20 tis years...
Besides the wonderful exp at school, my life wasn all tat magnificent...
So how long? 1 more year? 5 more years? 10 more years?
Or would I be miserable for te rest of mylife?
I feel like I'm being cursed for no reason...

In the past...
There might be a guy liked me after all
I did almost fell for him
But too bad...
Wrong timing... Besides he never confessed

It was pretty special
It's the 1st time i felt someone noticed me and wanted to get close with me...
It's the 1st time... I feel like I can open up to him...

Would anythg change if I didn transfer?
But I wouldn get my hope high since I heard he liked another girl rather than me...

Now...
Wow... My fren got an officially break up agreement frm his gf today...
Tat really sucks... O_O
Especially the reason behind it, it's about future... Finance... Stuffs like tat...
It feels really stupid for me to hear that actually...

But... Aren I the same?
Or am I diff?
I can't be sensible about my own relationship...
I dn noe hw to be rational...
My mind said smthg else... My heart said smthg else...
I can't seems to control myself...
Haiz...

Valentine this year really suck!
I love 3 years ago valentine... Hmm... In year 2008...
I still rmbr it's Sat...
Wow... What a remarkable feelings back then...
I can sit beside him... Watching him play chess... :)
I even managed to give him a choc... Er... Through a game I created... Considered as Valentine choc i guess... >_>
But but... I didn ask him to play... It's him that asked.... XD
Anyway...
I'll give Ferrero Rocher choc to anyone I cherish...
I dn dare to give him and I end up giving it to his mum... LOL

Sad thg to know...
The pic I stalk is all gone!!!
They change friendster... T^T

..........
That isn te point for me log into blogger now...
But... I rather not say it...
It's not gonna change anythg...
Haiz...

Haiz...
Be positive yen...
Be strong yen...
Omg Yen u'r lucky...

Yea... I wish I AM happy and stop complaining...
Haiz...
My plan... The trip... Supposedly to be on....
Haiz...
My miserable life is a spice towards this special occassion...

Why?
Because I'm afraid he'll change his feelings...
I'm afraid to see that happen...
So... I wish to end the relationship when he still love me... At least he'll rmbr me or smthg...

I'm an idiot rite?
For doubting him...
For thinking like that...
For being pathetic...

Why am I being weaker when I actually hope that relationship would strengthen my mentality... Haiz...

I did asked him to sing this to me...
But I guess he forgot...
Well... Haiz... Wtvr... I dn expect him to rmvr every single thg about me...
I mean who does?
Not even my parents, so why hope when it'll turns out to be despair...?

Chris Medina- What Are Words

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

Haiz... What am I doing now???
What the hell am I doing now??
Stop being bloody pathetic for God sake!!!!
Something is OFF... Totally off... Why?? How it turns out to be like that??
I don't know... I just kept avoiding...
Because I might start hating him for no reason...
Why can't I stop my heart frm feeling this way?
Why can't I stop my heart from thinking like that?
I wish I can be psychic... I wish I'm not an idiot... I wish I'm not blind... I wish I'm not biased...
I wish a lots of thgs... BUT...

Haiz... I had enough with me...
No one can save me...
Waiting for him... It's like asking too much frm him.... It's like asking too much frm any1....

Haiz...
Not in a good mood...

It's not that I don't want to... But... It just happens...
Stupid I know...
An idiot? Yep u'r right...

For the 1st night, it did accompany me but after that... I just kept it aside...
I don't feel like to look at it...
I just... Haiz...
I started to feel trouble again b4 I can fully enjoy...

Why do I have to be like this?
Why can't I just be like gurls who are grateful enough To only look forward instead of backward
I would be much much happier like that...
Haiz... What's wrong wit me... My life... My past ain't that bad... But somehow I feel unable to move forward... Something is helding me back...




I kept being pessimistic...
I kept thinking negative stuffs till to the point I thought of love stories as a joke...



It's foolish of me to think that love can actually cure me...
It might have the opposite effect...
God... I'm happy to receive the sore throat as a punishment...
Or any form of physical pain...
But enough with this... Please? Or am I looking the whole things th wrong way?
Haiz... I don't know...

Yup... That's how I currently feel...
It's not a serious matter...
But... I just couldn control how I think and how I should feel...

I feel like crying but I'm holding everything back...
I think I'm collasping for no reason...
I needed someone to pull me up somehow, even though I know this is like asking a stupid task from a somebody since it's just a bloody petty matters to everyone else...


Haiz... Why am I feeling so weak?

As I said...
Supposedly I shouldn be emoing...
And I actually wanted to just start browsing the pictures...
But then... Haiz..
Emoing feelings... Depressed... And worse thoughts start to arise in a bad manners... :(

I know I shouldn....
But...
I feel really... Sad...
Almost crying my tears out...
...
Now...
I'm just holding everythg back.... Haiz...

I don't think I'll visit his profile for quite some time for now...
Not till those pics are still on...

Haiz...

Well...
I don't know what to put the title as.. :(

Haiz..
Wtvr it is...
The only thg I can do now is blogging...
Now... I just feel really sad and disappointed...
I just want to let it out...

The thg is...
He promised me that he'll go with me...
He said that he will forsake the chance to go with his fren so that he can go Genting with me...
But... Haiz... Now look at me...
I'm pitiful... I'm miserable... Frustrated as well...

Yea... I know it's too good to be true but yet I still believe him...
I... Save up all those money...
I plan and I dreamt about wat I could've enjoy...
But... There is always a but at the end...
It become worse when meaningless apologies comes after it...
Sad... Just sad...

Now I got the chance to used up all the money I have saved for him...
That is to go Sunway Lagoon with my frens...
I mean why should I sacrifice this chance when he won't appreciate all those...

I'm tired of keep hoping for smthg that doesn't and won't bring much of a difference...
Tat's why... Even if I ask "are you free that day?" but that's the only extent i would go so far...
As in... Enough planning an outing for now... Enough wit the invitations and such...
It's supposed to be his job, not mine... Coz I feel stupid whenever he breaks his own promises...

I was like... Why did I even give him a chance anyway...
Even if i want to... But my heart can't take further disappointments from him...

Is love always just words but actions speaks ortherwise??
I'm sick of relationship actually...
I feel "dead" to continue...

Can't he see it?
Can't he feel it?
Can't he do anythg about it???
JUST STOP BEING SO PASSIVE FOR GOD SAKE!!!
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M SUFFERING?????!

My situation...
It's no different than any other normal break ups...
I feel... Down... Empty... No mood to continue...
Yea... Of course I still cry... Feeling sad... And disappointed...
Almost every night I'm doing the same thg... Feeling the same way...

Haiz...
I do, however still hoping this could be better though...
Haiz...
But... Seriously I had enough of everything...
It's time for him to do the chasing part...
Because I'm tired... I just want to rest from being so active in this relationship...
Well... If he didn't want to do it... If he think he did ntg wrong and refused to put some/little efforts to it... Then.... That is just fine... Let our relationship hang at that breaking point....

I'm gonna try getting over this...
I got a job that I really like... And I hope, somehow my work can distracts me...

haiz... i dn uds why he wanted to post this

不能天天見面的情侣要做到的事：
⒈信任
⒉坦誠
⒊寬容
⒋理解
⒌空間
⒍珍惜
⒎想念

你們做到了嗎?

I don't know why i keep repeating listening those translations...
again i play it... and again... and again...

this thg is ringing in my head...
wat have we been doing wrong?
izit his fault or mine?
izit true if the girl start chasing 1st, then te boy won't appreciate her that much?
or izit that i'm being blind?

I can't shake off those insecure feelings even until now...
why is it so?
and he said he's tired of convincing me?
since when he started anyway... just those words huh? it's like an empty vessel w/o any meaning....
tired of convincing huh?
it's like atom bomb just drop into my soul...
my heart breaks...

I feel better now...
A good way of saying is...
I want more intimacy...
Not the hugs and kisses kind...
But the way we spend our quality time together...
I'm pretty greedy... And selfish as well...
Just as simple as that, I just want to be closer by any means...
More calls... Going on a trip... Eat and stuff...
It's just feels that I'm the only one who wants all that... Not him...

Everyday said the same thing... Not much of differences or any hidden surprises...
No more anniversary msgs...

Haiz... I just hate crying alone... Bye...

Why?? Why?? Why??
I just don't get it sometimes...
I hate it a lot...
Erggghhhh.... *start banging my head to the wall*
I'm busy with my work...
I work on weekdays... He works on weekends...
We barely have times to talk...
He never thought of any ways of how to go out with me... How to meet me... OR anythg!!!!
He just go with the flow...
AND
I have to plan everything...
Well... I had ENOUGH!!!!

I still got doubts whether or not he truly loves me...
Well yea... All he think it's his ego.. His pride... And Him being supposedly a passive guy...
Well.. Yea sure... Continue doing that... Because I'm not sure I want to continue this whole nonsense thg anymore...
I feel like a crap for keep doing this and that....
I feel stupid... An idiot who is doing all those thgs for NOTHING....
Love? Haiz.... So wat... Not that he appreciate it anyway...
Rmbr the thg I knit for him? I think it's somewhere in the drawer, molding, collecting dusts.... And some ppl say I should be grateful that it didn't end up in the garbage... Well, I think that's a 'sooner or later' event...



I don't get how Vinu can support him...
She said I should uds him...
But seriously in WHAT way???
By JUST accepting who he is?
And then what?
That's definitely NOT I want...
I'm tired... Frustrated...
Because I can't see what I'm supposed to see...
How deep he love me and everythg... How he treat me specially or smthg...
But I don't feel like that at all...
I don't know how to trust him... I'm not sure that I should either....

He didn't ask me out...
He never bothers to thought of a way either...
I don't uds him... Nor I do know how he feels frm times to times... Well actually how could I?? Since he never tell me...
He said he might go to S'pore... And THIS, I got to know frm reading fb and not through him...
I'm clueless... Always has been... Coz this is not the 1st time...
Haiz... What am I to him anyway? Just a gf by name huh?
Haiz... I hate this...
I don't know him for 19 years of my life and even until now I still DON'T...



Our future?
"I look and I saw it's full of sh**"
I think I'm gonna stick with that statement for now...
If u think I'm being harsh... Well, that just mean u have no idea how pissed I am rite now....
He never change... He never will be...
If I said break up now, he'll give up easily on me...
Coz that's just the way he is...

Haiz... Why continue if it's that difficult?
Because of my stupid feelings of love...
Crap that love... Crap that hopes and wishes....
I'm giving up...
Trust me, I can... All I need is time and his ignorance....
PEACE OUT! XP